


I adore to love you; even if I don’t like you

by ShadowSelene (Shadowdianne)



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-02
Updated: 2019-01-02
Packaged: 2019-10-02 12:57:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17264651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadowdianne/pseuds/ShadowSelene
Summary: Don’t give me one-sided unrequited love, give me two-sided unwanted love. Both sides are deeply in love with the other and both sides are like ‘fuck, really?? them??? really?’ emettkaysworld via tumblr





	I adore to love you; even if I don’t like you

**Author's Note:**

> So, only me would write something with feelings to something that was clearly meant to be fun and light but here we are.

_“You are in love with her.”_

The first time Emma heard those words she bared her teeth and refused to answer to it, the shattering sound of the toaster she had been destroying minutes prior as it fell into the wooden floor of the small apartment answer enough for her roommates big, round eyes. She wasn’t in love, she thought, anger running through her veins as she left the screwdriver on top of the kitchen counter; completely livid.

Running her hand down her hair, she shot a quick grim look towards Mary Margaret, thinking briefly on the romance novella the woman seemed to devour on her free time and wishing to be meaner, to be able to be scathing and tell her roommate how she wasn’t a character from those stories, plain, simple and bland.

“I’m not.” She replied curtly. Because, truly, she wasn’t. She had known Regina for less than a month and everything she really wanted to do to her was to show her she meant her words about staying. For Henry. For herself even as it was becoming abundantly clear to her she needed to start keeping promises to a child she didn’t know had existed a few weeks before. Even if it was only because of the quickly sinking realization that she cared about the kid in a way she had never felt prepared to feel.

The fact that she also wanted to rip one of those power suits the brunette seemed to be charmed by from the woman’s body and fuck her on any nearest surface available was a different problem entirely. One she planned to take care as soon as she was free enough to take her car and go to the nearest town if she needed; consequences be damned.

She didn’t say Mary Margaret that, of course. She didn’t want to explore her feelings on that matter as the sweet brunette kept asking on why or how it wasn’t possible for Emma to feel any kind of positive feeling regarding Regina. And so, when Gold sauntered on the apartment any trace of that conversation was completely forgotten.

_“You want to sleep with her.”_

The first time Regina heard those words they were said by a slightly amused Kathryn and she growled at them, not as amused and certainly not as entertained as the woman who had ended up being what she would have called her “confidant” back in a world made of intrigues and magic.

Because the blonde was wrong, awfully wrong. She did not want to sleep with the wretched woman that had entered into her town, putting a set of cogs into motion that shouldn’t have been able to move to begin with. And even if she did, she relented before taking a sip of cider that felt far too bitter on the back of her throat, she would only do it in order to wipe the awful smirk from her lips.

_“You like her.”_

The second time Emma heard the words they were less warm, more cutting and she rose her chin stubbornly as she helped Regina to stand, the chill air of midmorning seeming to seep from the windows that casted the sheriff’s office with far too bright light. She didn’t glance at Regina as she stared at her parents, not even when she felt a squeeze on her hand before the brunette let her hand go, eyes downcast and lips pressed tightly together.

Because it was a stupid idea, an idea she wasn’t even going to entertain. She had made a promise to Henry. One she fully intended to follow no matter where it lead her and so she stood tall and proud against the people that now seemed to be her parents. Parents that had left her at the side of a road, stuck in a world that would grow to be hers.

And yet when she shook her head and refused to acknowledge the words she felt a tug inside of her, one that made her groan inwardly. She was going to save Regina, and nothing, not even Snow White’s deluded ideas, would make her think twice about the fact that when Regina had stared at her with nothing but loss on her eyes she had wanted to push her even harder against the supply closet’s wall, asking, demanding more of her than a simple broken nod.

And so, they walked, hoping to find a way to defeat the wraith.

_“You care for her.”_

The third time Emma heard the words coming from Snow she simply let the door of the dinner close behind her, briefly glancing outside, at the retreating form of Regina as the brunette looked inside on final time, tiredness marring her features in a way that made her blink quickly, realizing she had been caught staring before simply walking way the slightly drunken woman that kept on telling her she was her mother.

It was stupid, she thought, picking a glass of her own, the burn on her cheeks still present from where she had smiled at Regina earlier when the brunette had walked inside the dinner with something so close to “hope” written on her eyes that Emma had wondered for the first time how a younger version of the brunette would have been. She didn’t care for Regina, not like Snow seemed to be so intent on making it look.

The fact that her feelings regarding wanting to fuck Regina up her office desk had kept swirling on her brain a tiny tidbit she didn’t intend on sharing with anyone. Not even with Ruby who had already heard her complaining about the insanely hot woman enough times to glare at her with something close to pity and amusement.

And so, she scooted closer to Henry and hugged him, the gentle hum she had been feeling ever since Cora had sunk her fingers on her chest growing stronger for a moment before settling back down.

_“You trust her.”_

The second time Regina heard something to related to Emma Swan in that regard she paled and stood proudly in front of her mother as the woman glanced down at her, the coldness of her tone a menacing one Regina seemed to still not have forgotten, a jerk-reaction her muscles had still to unlearn. And she wanted to laugh at the simple notion of her trusting the blonde, of her thinking of her as anything other than a nuisance.

A nuisance who had invited her to a party before coming to her home and telling that Henry, her precious prince, wasn’t hers. A nuisance that had stared at her with kindness and warmth only to scream at her, angry and furious because of something Regina knew she hadn’t done. A nuisance that had looked at her on that godforsaken well with something close to relief before staring at her, the word “murderer” written down on every speck of blue and green her eyes seemed to be made of.

Because no, she didn’t trust Emma Swan, she couldn’t and wouldn’t fall for that trap. And so, she waited patiently until her mother’s magic retracted back again, the tendrils satisfied as her magic did not react to them, did not rise nor bristle at the mention of the blonde woman. With a hum she moved back to the doorway of the room both she and her mother were standing in, the reflex of clasping a ring that she didn’t have fastened around her neck anymore brief and short.

She did not trust Emma Swan. She couldn’t trust the woman with a file report. She did not trust her and will not trust her with something as stupid as secrets full of a mother who had molded every piece of who she had ended up transforming into.

No, she did not.

_“You want her.”_

The fourth time Emma was presented with that idea she found herself wanting to punch Hook’s smug face as strong as she was able to, hot tears beginning to build-up on her eyes as she felt for Regina, for the woman who had stared at her with nothing but openness and pain as she tried to contain a magic that was about to devour them all.

Because this, the feeling she felt on her chest wasn’t close to even the idea of “want”. Because the man that was standing in front of her had worked with the ones who had strapped Regina to a table, electricity still high on the air if Snow’s recollection of what was happening was true. And she knew it to be true in the same way she knew that there was no chance, no possible positive outcome, for the brunette who had asked them to go, giving up everything as she tried to contain a trigger that was, by default, unstoppable. Because wanting Regina was just an idiotic notion. One that made her want to scream and use her newfound magic to do something, anything.

And it was perhaps that flash of anger, of numbing fury, what made her turn and gasp. Because it was stupid to even think about what or why those feelings, those words, kept being directed at her when she, maybe, could save Regina in a way that still rung too close to the idea of Savior the people around her still tried to pair her up with. And yet, she realized, she did not care for titles or pedestals. Not when Regina could very well survive and tell her how much she loathed her, how much she felt her utterly detestable.

And so, she run.

_“You can’t lose her.”_

The third time such idea entered Regina’s mind it did not came from anyone but her own mind as she approached the tottering edge of the ship with fury crackling above them all and rain falling upon any surface of the hull, the dagger-like freezing drops not helping her or the anguish muffled scream that came out of her lips.

And she wanted to laugh at herself the moments those words appeared on her mind because it couldn’t be true. It simply couldn’t and as such she stared as Charming jumped out of the ship with the same kind of maniac glint Snow had at her side, the idea of losing Emma just as jarring, just as terrifying.

It was stupid, ludicrous yet she sighed in relief as David appeared with Emma’s body between his arms, pale cheeks clammy and clattering when the blonde was finally brought to the ship.

_“You ought to tell her how you feel.”_

The fifth time such idea was spoken was the fourth her mother toyed with it and Emma could only glance at the sky above them, waiting for the curse to float towards them any minute now. Tiredness shagging her shoulders, she casted a glare towards the brunette woman and remained silent until Snow sighed and hugged her tightly, tears staining her eyes when she moved backwards, chin wobbly and color withdraw from her face.

Because there was nothing to be said, Emma thought. Nothing to be said to the woman who stupidly, so so stupidly, was about to watch them walk away from a town Emma was just starting to learn to consider it home. Because she had nothing to say to a woman who saw potential and power on her even at the darkest of times. Because there was nothing to admit and she would never dare to say anything to a woman that was eyeing her with something close to despair. Because there was nothing to realize to a woman who whispered her name the first time she opened her eyes, a plan forming on the back of brown pupils, crazed and tinted with purple sparks.

Because… they were already gone, a ghost of an actual hug around her shoulders and magic clouding her memories until Regina was nothing but a shadow on her dreams for a year.

_“You miss her.”_

Regina wanted to cackle at that, at the fact that she knew who Snow was referring to without even asking for confirmation and for a moment, a moment too long, she considered on simply using her magic to mute the damned woman, using the loss she felt as the only weapon she had left alongside with her still beating heart.

Because no, of course she did not miss Emma. She couldn’t miss the damned woman, the woman she had trusted with her son. Their son. Because no, she couldn’t be feeling something like that, because Daniel was dead, and Cora was dead, and her father was dead and every part of herself that had cared and loved was deeply hidden beneath Henry’s memories. The ones she now shared with a green-eyed woman who would never know that there was someone, realms away, crying from the loss of something that hadn’t even begun.

Spurring on her horse, she left the woman behind her, approaching as she did to the back of the one and only Robin Hood.

She did not miss Emma Swan.

And her words were lies, but she didn’t even care.

_“You loved her.”_

Emma had already stopped counting the times she had been faced with a similar statement, but she actually winced at Henry’s keen eyes, at the way the teen eyed her from above the game they both had been playing for the past hour, Storybrooke’s dim light already gone from the window’s glass. The kid was staring at her with the glance Emma hadn’t know why it had made her narrow her eyes and think of a woman she knew was merely on her dreams. Now that she knew, she could only laugh softly at that detail, merely pushing buttons blindly as she saw the life her character grew slimmer on the red bar displayed on the screen.

It could be a good cover-up, she mussed inwardly. But not one she was open to try. Not even for the kid, no matter how confused he must feel, trapped in a town he didn’t remember, surrounded by people who looked at him as if they knew a secret he didn’t. She hadn’t loved Regina Mills. Not by a long shot. She had been insufferable, caring, strict, amazing and she really felt her very insides about to melt with the input of magic she had forgotten she owned, buzzing beneath her fingertips with every time she ended up thinking about the brunette who had approached her with something close to awe back at Granny’s diner.

It didn’t matter, she said as she remained still, so still that Henry eventually sighed and kept playing a glare of warning the las thing he shot at her: the same aversion at lies still ingrained on his psyche.

And so she watched her character died, not moving until Henry muttered a succinct “whatever” that scorched her insides.

_“She is your weakness.”_

Zelena sounded delighted at that idea and Regina gritted her teeth at that, at the fact her apparently idiotic half-sister could look at Emma and see nothing more but a way of hurting her. Just like Mother had done, just like she had been taught to do.

She even felt a pang of guilt at the lack of her heart, something she knew was completely impossible and still made her pause as she eyed the grin on the red-heads face. Because no, Emma wasn’t her weakness, Emma was the woman who proved time and time again that she was awfully stubborn, unable to hear or follow any kind of order and just so intrinsically good that made Regina seethe and growl at the very same idea of pushing her on the idea of magic, of that very same thing that had destroyed her beyond repair.

Because Emma was just the woman with who she had made the arrangement of caring for Henry. Because Emma was the woman who had admitted thinking about returning back to New York and that actually made her head swirl, the ghost of a hand on her empty chest making her snarl. Because she still could remember the days when desire, when sex, was the easy take on a convoluted answer. Because under any circumstance Emma Swan made her weak.

Not now, not ever.

_“You want her close.”_

It was the second time Snow looked at Regina as if she knew something the brunette didn’t, and Regina felt a scream bubbling inside of her as she stared at the general direction Emma had stormed off, vestiges of her magic floating in the air, embedded into her skin. She did not wish to help the woman, she did not wish to see her face nor talk to her. Tired, frozen as she was in place. She did not intend to forgive Emma because that would mean admitting an ugly truth she didn’t even want to process. She did not want to speak or admit that she missed the blonde.

Because the woman’s magic wasn’t, shouldn’t be her problem and yet her skin was on fire at the touch of the woman’s power; deep and strong and with a potential Regina felt drawn to no matter the amount of time it passed ever since Emma had come to her home, claiming she had such ability.

She would not, and she did not. Walking away in a hurry and a plume of purple that got lighter each day it passed.

_“You want her safe”_

Emma didn’t even think on answer that dignified the question, stupid, entirely stupid and pointless as she walked from corner to corner of an apartment that felt asphyxiating each second it passed without her knowing where Regina was. And yet, when she glanced at her parents she needed to bite down on her tongue because of course, of course she wanted Regina safe and away from the people that made her eyes darken worriedly, a shadow of a past both of them knew close, far too close, glimmering on those brown eyes.

Because of course she would want Regina away from Maleficent cunning eyes; away from that aura of something that made her skin prick and crawl. Because of course she wanted her away from a path that was going to lead her to nothing but ashes. Because of course she wanted an answer of why, why, she hadn’t been informed of such an idiotic idea. Because of course she wanted her safe.

And, precisely because of that she did not even thought twice about a conversation that had happened year ago on that very same apartment, a toaster on the floor and anger coloring her words. Because it was pointless and stupid and of course she cared. It was impossible not to as overbearing, as maddening as Regina was.

_“You need her.”_

Emma closed her eyes at Snow’s words as she eyed both her and David, the idea of needing Regina as she tried to follow a track of yet another person of her past seemingly connected with her destiny dizzying enough to even consider her mother’s idea of her needing Regina at her side.

Because she didn’t need her. And yet she wanted her. And that itself was idiotic and pathetic and not the best idea to follow. Not with Robin lost in the middle of the nowhere they were going to quickly walk in. Not with Cruella’s death hanging so close around her neck, like a noose slowly draining her of any kind of energy and reasoning. Because it didn’t matter, not right now, the fact that she truly hoped to be able to spend time with Regina’s thoughts. Because she didn’t, couldn’t even possibly think on needing her, on wanting her close. And yet her fingers burnt hotly with magic that swirled and grew inside of her, running through her veins, electrifying her body, making her stumble.

Oh, much she wanted her.

 

_“You would have done the same for her.”_

It was the first time that any resemblance of a peering question was said in a less certain tone but one gentle, soft enough, to be said in an almost apologetic undertone. One that made Regina close her eyes and breathe through her nose as soundly as possible, hands curled at her sides, still prickling from the magic that had been circling her, closer and closer still.

And of course, she would have done the same for Emma. Of course, she would have jumped in front of any danger coming on her way; the very simple action of needing to state that fact as she eyed the place the blonde had just been standing with tears on her eyes a ludicrous sentiment that made her want to growl. Because of course she would protect Emma, from anything, anyone, who dared to hurt her.

But she hadn’t. And as such she walked away from Snow, deaf to Hook and Robin’s screams at her back, picking the dagger up the road and glaring at the new name it was displayed, each vowel, each consonant, laughing at the knowledge she had known for far longer she dared to care to admit: that she would go anywhere for Emma Swan.

A stupid idea, one she signed with blood as she clenched her hand around the blade, the sudden pain bolting up her arm, making her hiss.

_“You know her.”_

It wasn’t exactly an instance in where she was being asked about the whys behind the reality that she had been unable to say nothing to the blonde -now white-haired- after they had returned from a trip they did not know how it have even begun. It wasn’t exactly a question or an admission. Not even an answer to an inquiry she could have had asked. It was a statement so true that rung and echoed inside her chest as she now kept on imagining Emma looking away, moving away, with angry steps and corded muscles, dark magic obscuring her presence to her own magic in a way that made her want to close her eyes and sob.

Because it was stupid to even say that she did not know Emma Swan and yet how a heartbroken-looking Snow could even tell her that as any form of an answer or explanation as she still had fresh on her mind Henry’s utter look of betrayal as she realized what had transpired back at Camelot. Because she knew Emma, knew what the blonde was able to do; knew she should never once do anything to harm those she cared for, those she loved. And even the very imagining of the word made her swallow and stumble, Emma’s eyes a few days ago on the docks piercing and angry in a way that made her feel blindsided, weak.

Because, of course she knew no Emma on her right mind would ever do something that screamed of Cora and endless nights when Regina herself hadn’t been able to sleep, afraid of the next hit, afraid of the next time she woke without something she cared about, without someone to be considered her friend after Cora finished them all. Because that very same idea of Emma being able to hex and charm a girl like she had seen she had been able to do curled tightly on her throat, rising like black tendrils, rendering her speechless as she nodded mechanically to Snow’s pleas.

_“You can’t part without her.”_

Emma felt the twitch from a sudden irrepressible want of throwing a punch come up from deep within her as she wiped her head once again towards the gravestones that kept staring at them all, their names carved on their surface. What kind of sentence was that, who even thought there was some kind of doubt on her will, her necessity to bring Regina back with them all? It was obvious, it was just as obvious as the way the brunette’s hands around her heart had felt strangely comfortable, as a dream, a moment that wasn’t supposed to be shared or acknowledged outside a maze of quiet shushed words.

Something that had been shattered just as quickly as her want to throw that punch, guilt of having obliged them to follow her nagging her insides. Because of course, after her being the sole responsible of them all to be here, trapped her, of course she couldn’t get away without the brunette.

Of course.

_“You don’t like what she has done.”_

The way Snow spoke to her made Emma sigh and close her eyes as she was transported back to a very different time, in where questions such as that one were brought with wonder and small smiles. Now, however, she felt her tongue press the back of her teeth as she sighed as deeply as she was able to, her magic crackling between her fingers, her stomach nervous and repentant as she tried to swallow an answer that she had vowed she would never said outload.

Because Regina had followed her to Hell and back, because Regina had already given more than it was fair to give about oneself. Because Regina had picked up the short end of the stick time and time again, not once walking away the path of truthfulness within her, not missing herself, not subtracting her powers out of the equation, proud and capable and beautiful and gorgeous as she was.

And so, she would never, should never, could never, say how she felt the split as if being a mistake. One that clung to the back of her throat, touch hot, scalding and brutal as she toyed with words she would never, should never, could never utter. No matter Snow’s questioning eyes, no matter the hidden question beneath them: Why?

Why did she care. Why shouldn’t she care? Both questions left a sea of unanswered seconds behind and Emma pressed the tips of her fingers against her palms, closing both hands and savoring the brief flash of painful clarity the movement brought with it.

And as she feigned to not have heard Snow’s whisper, she turned back towards Regina as the woman eyed the cloud of dust her other self had transformed into and walked calmly towards her, one arm circling her waist, the other falling limp to her side.

Neither of them spoke. Because there was nothing to say, no question to ask, no matter how gravely Snow eyed them both, ashen-colored flesh turning even paler as the cloud of dust dissolved.

_“You lust for her.”_

Regina almost laughed at the vision that was Rumple’s scale-y face, the way his eyes glimmered as if she had found the answer of a problem that would have made him sleepless enough for her to chuckle.

And it was a stupid notion, she thought, raising as tall as she was, determined to find a solution, an answer, to the fact that Emma didn’t know who she herself was. A realization that was painful enough for her to even think twice on how it had felt for her to learnt that there had been indeed a wish the blonde hadn’t admitted to anyone but herself. Something that had brought them to a real in where every shadow and line was nothing but a wish, a wish crumbled and intertwined with the want of someone who hadn’t dared to dream or reach for what they truly wanted for far too long.

 And it was a simple, far too simple word the one used, as if “lust” could properly convey anything, nothing, all, that Emma meant for the brunette. It was stupid, and she almost let her flames scorch him, only for a moment, a second, as she bit down on her bottom lip, nodding to the idea, the plan, of her impersonating that other part Emma had lost on herself, her splitted soul vibrating as she took the usual clothes of her counterpart. Because lust, want, were nothing against her will to help, to bring Emma back. No matter how many lines she was asked to cross, to destroy, to erase.

_“You love each other”_

Emma and Regina eyed each other as the portal closed, an angry Hook walking away, ring in hand and a promise of not, not following him hot on his ears. And Emma, unable to contain herself, started to laugh at Henry’s awe, at Regina’s slowly growing grin. Because it was stupid. Ludicrous.

“Yes.” She said, quickly being followed suit by Regina. “We do.”

And they wanted to keep laughing for a few longer because the idea, the concept of someone stating something that had been a true for many many years enough to make them both giggle at each other, quiet magic surrounding them both as they finally, finally, kissed each other.

Because of course they loved each other. Who dared to think otherwise? Who dared to consider it not true? Who dared to fathom another reality? Certainly not them, not ever.

 

 

* * *

 

Bonus round of possible starters on s6b

“You didn’t know she was getting married.”

“Will you watch her die?”

“Kiss her.”


End file.
